To the dead beat “father” who didn’t want me

I’m okay, I’m okay because I have an amazing father in my life I’m okay because he raised me and he made me the woman I am today. I’m not okay because I’ll never know why…why you didn’t want me. I’m a mother and I just couldn’t imagine my son never having his father in his life just at least knowing who he was at least knowing what he looks like, knowing what features they have in common.. Just knowing anything at all. I honestly cannot understand how someone could abandanded their own flesh and blood..

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Rant

I absolutely don’t believe in drinking alcohol in front of your children no mater how young or how old they are it’s just wrong. I have never in my life seen my mother drunk around me or even take a drink of alcohol when I’m in her presence. It’s very unbecoming. I just had to let this out, thank you for reading or not reading ✌️

Falling in love

Palimpsest

You never see your loved one’s flaws. You fall in love too quickly, in a rush of delight at finding such a person, a burst of wonder that, in all this wide and fragile world, there exists a mind just like your own. Before long, they have settled down inside of you, in the vulnerable parts of your chest. Any doubt, any flaw, is drowned out by the rhythmic thump of a voice that says you are not alone.

It’s like that with books.

There are so many books, so many writers I could tell you about, which would make me look clever, or deep, or wise. But let’s be honest with each other for a moment: those are not the books which live within you. The books you fall in love with are the books with flaws. They are the books you devoured late at night under the sheets…

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Love, Despite

Tell It Slant Mama

 Before I married my husband, I told him to make sure that he was marrying me for who I was that day, and not for any future changes he hoped to have wrought in me through the “transforming” power of marriage. Though we were both young, I had seen enough unhappy marriages to make me wary of the institution, and who wants to be institutionalized, really?  I had no question that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, but I wanted us to start off with as little illusion as possible.  I wanted to know that he saw me, and not some airbrushed version of a girl to be placed on a pedestal.  It is easy to fall in love if you believe all the fairy tales and movies.  Beautiful women with flowing hair and flawless skin meet muscled men with pure hearts and chivalrous intentions and they ride off to his manor with servants aplenty…

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I stand quietly

Dirty, Naked & Happy

I stand quietly while you do somersaults on the bed as you aren’t being naughty, you are just trying to get your out of sync body under control.

I stand quietly by the toilet door every time you need to go, and come with you around the house, and sometimes even just across the room, because I know you can feel truly frightened when you are not near me.

I stand quietly at the supermarket checkout while everyone stares at you barking like a dog and blowing raspberries on my arms to cope with the buzzing lights.

I stand quietly while you tell the baffled shop owner that you are looking for shoes that feel hard like splintered wood because your skin can’t bear soft things.

I stand quietly when the attendant gives us scornful looks when I ask for the key to the disabled toilet because the hand dryer…

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Why I’m Not “Good People”

I love the way jenny thinks, I’m glad someone sees things how I do, I have to say I wouldn’t of worded it as well as she did though lol.

Jenny's Library

I’m not a nice person.

I’m not a good person.

I’m not a kind person.

This isn’t to say that I don’t ever try to be any of these three things.  I do, especially the last two.

It’s more to say that, for me, surviving in this cissexist, racist, ableist, heteronormative, classist, often fucked up world of ours has involved rejecting the idea that “good” and “bad” are static states of being.  I will never be a “good person” because, to me, “good” is not something that you achieve.  It’s an ongoing process that never ends.

It is, in fact, almost impossible not to be doing bad things as well as good when you are human and therefore flawed.  Especially when you are part of a messed up system, as we all are.

This, to me, is why it’s important to call out bad behavior, or hurtful language, or even…

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New Mommy 

Being a mom is really one of the most incredible feelings I’ve ever had! My son is my absolute world and I don’t know what I would do with out him. He keeps me going, he keeps a smile on my face. He’s just perfect, I couldn’t ask for a better life! This is one of my first blogs by the way so bare with me I hope to get better at it! Thanks for reading!